Yom Kipur: Face to Face

The following is based on a conversation with HaRav Moshe Shapira Shlit’a. Please feel free to print this out and read it over Yom Kipur.

After forty days of preparation, after experiencing the fresh feelings of Elul, the anticipation as we moved towards and awe we felt on Rosh HaShanah, after praying and fasting and working on ourselves during Aseres Yimei Teshuva we’ve finally made it. We have arrived at Yom Kipur. A day that is called the Tachlis HaTeshuvah – the Apex of Returning. A moment on the calendar whose very essence is suffused with a force that returns all souls to the Divine.

The Passuk says, “Ki BaYom HaZeh YiChaper Aleichem L’Taher Eschem MiKol Chatoseichem” – For on this day He shall bring atonement upon you, to purify you of all of your sins. The Rambam (and this is found in earlier sources as well) learns from this verse that there is something intrinsic about this day that atones. There is an energy that is hardwired into this date - the tenth of Tishrei - that washes away sins. As he says himself, “V’Atzmo Shel Yom HaKipurim Michaper” – The essence of the day generates forgiveness.

This would be simple enough, but neither the Passuk, nor the Rambam stop there. “Ki BaYom HaZeh YiChaper Aleichem L’Taher Eschem MiKol Chatoseichem.” We already said what this means, but the Passuk throws in three last words: ‘Lifnei Hashem Tit’haru’, ‘In front Hashem shall you be purified.’ What is this addition? We were just told that there is an energy infused into the day, what is added by Lifnei Hashem Tit’haru?

Furthermore, the Rambam doesn’t simply say that V’Atzmo Shel Yom HaKipurim Michaper. It’s true that the day purifies, but it only does so LaShavim – to those who are doing Teshuvah. Once you are already in the zone, only then can Yom Kipur cleanse the soul. So what is it? Is it the day, or is it me?

Another question: Since the beginning of Chodesh Elul we end our Davening with L’David Hashem Ori V’Yishi. King David says that God is his light and salvation. Subsequently we realize that God is our light and salvation. Elul and Tishrei are a time of repentance and judgment. We’d then expect to add verses that deal with repentance to our prayers. But the problem is that ‘L’David’ seemingly makes no mention of Teshuvah. It speaks solely of Emunah and Bitachon – faith and trust in Hashem. “Hashem is my strength, whom shall I dread?” “Though a war will rise up against me, it is in Him that I shall trust.” “On a day of evil He shall protect me in His sanctum.” My fear and enemies would have consumed me, Lulei He’Emanti L’Ros B’Tuv Hashem, had I not believed that I would see the goodness of God.

Not one word about Teshuvah! What’s going on? If we are going to add Tehilim to our prayers, at least let’s make is appropriate! Let’s make it fit the season!

A third question. The Rambam, when detailing how to do Teshuva gives a Girsa, a base-text that serves as a model. This styling includes all the necessary components for a valid Teshuvah. Chatasi, Avisi, U’Pashati Lifanecha V’Asisi Kach V’Kach. God, I sinned on all sorts of levels; on purpose, by accident, due to a lack of self-education. I did x, y and z. I’m not happy about it. I wish I didn’t do it. I’m not going to do it again.

Our rough translation left out one word. Chatasi Avisi U’Pashati Lifanecha – I sinned an all sorts of levels in front of you. This is an odd addition. It’s seemingly not needed. The line would make perfect sense without it. And if that’s the case, then why include it? And in the non-obligatory additional paragraph in Shmona Esrei, we include this ‘Lifanecha’ – what does it add? Why does my Teshuvah need to include Lifanecha?

Furthermore, in the blessing in Shmona Esrei that is supposed to inspire is to do Teshuvah, we say V’Hachazireinu B’Teshuvah Sheleima L’Fanecha, Baruch Atah Hashem HaRotzeh B’Teshuvah. …And return us in a full repentance before You. Blessed are you Hashem who desires Teshuvah. Once again, the line would make perfect sense without the added ‘Lifanecha’. What is it coming to do?

And if we want to know what’s really going on with Lifanecha then we need a more exact translation of what the word means. While it is used as ‘In front of You’ or ‘Before You’, it literally means ‘Towards Your Face.’ Plugging this definition into everything that we asked, what is this obsession with God’s face as it relates to Teshuvah?

The Kotzker Rebbe once said that every sin carries with it a semblance of heresy and idol-worship. Why is this so? Because the only way that I could cognizantly reject the Divine Will would be if I didn’t believe in Reward and Punishment or if I conveniently forgot about the omnipresence of Hashem. Either way; doing a sin requires some form of denying the existence of God, because if I really believed that He was Mamesh there, if I knew that He was right next to me then of course I wouldn’t do it. Shivisi Hashem L’Negdi Tamid.

Based on this, the underlying power of Teshuvah would need to be a return to the awareness that God is an all-encompassing reality. He totally surrounds me. He is with me and watches me every second. He is standing right next to me and pumping me with life even in the moment that I go against His Will! Once we understand that a sin stems from ignoring God, we learn that rectifying that misgiving is not simply not doing it again, it’s not just fixing the bad trait, rather the essence of Teshuvah is primarily based on bringing HaKadosh Baruch Hu back into my life and staring Him face to Face.

Teshuvah doesn’t just mean admitting that I did something wrong. It’s not just saying Chatasi, Avisi U’Pashati. It’s not just fixing the problem by requesting V’HaChazireinu B’Teshuvah Sheleimah. That’s nice, but that’s not Teshuvah. Teshuvah is Chatasi, Avisi U’Pashati Lifanecha. It’s V’HaChazireinu B’Teshuvah Sheleimah Lifanecha! It’s only Teshuvah if it’s based on a return to an awareness of the Divine.

The Kedushah and Taharah attained via Teshuvah comes as a result of an encounter. It manifests itself on the heels of a connection. The realization of God as a real and meaningful part of my life opens up avenues of connection that were previously closed.

Now we understand why L’David is the perfect passage of Tehilim to add to our prayers. In order to fully tap in to a window in time that presents itself as an opportunity for Teshuvah we need a constant reminder of what Teshuvah is really all about. No series of verses says it better. Passuk after Passuk drive home the message: Hashem is real. He surrounds me and fills my life. When I’m with Him, it’ll all be okay. As the Passuk in ‘L’David’ says, ‘Es Panecha Avakesh’ - ‘I seek your Face.’ I seek to have that intimate connection with you. From the other side of the street you can still feel a connection with a person with whom you make eye-contact. Es Panecha Avakesh, a longing to attain a life infused with Shivisi Hashem L’Negdi Tamid is the basis of all Teshuvah.

Thus the Rambam makes perfect sense as well. There is a waterfall of Taharah coming into the world on the day of Yom Kipur. But if you are not amongst the Shavim, if you don’t turn around and get under the water then it can’t cleanse you.

A Parable: In the room in which I’m currently sitting there is Chinese folk music blaring. Why can’t I hear it? The radiowaves are there, I’m just not tuned into the proper station. So too on Yom Kipur. On this day an energy fills the world. The station to tune in to is called ‘Lifanecha’.

Lastly, the Pasuk that we started with now dances with clarity: “Ki BaYom HaZeh YiChaper Aleichem L’Taher Eschem MiKol Chatoseichem.” For on this day He shall bring atonement upon you, to purify you of all of your sins. ‘Lifnei Hashem Tit’haru’ In front Hashem shall you be purified. Or, perhaps more accurately, ‘Towards Hashem’s Face shall you be purified.’ Because if it’s not Lifnei Hashem then it can’t be Tit’haru.

This is Mamesh such a big job. This is an Avodas HaChayim, this is a job that will take us our whole lives. Time and time again we may catch ourselves and see how we’ve been caught off guard. This is the bottom line – what it all comes down to. Es Panecha Avakesh. Ah! Face-to-face with the Creator. This is Yom Kipur. Lifnei Hashem Tit’haru.

HaKadosh Baruch Hu should give us a Bracha that we should be able to tap into our inner wellsprings of motivation and inspiration. We should associate with the place within ourselves that is crying out – ES PANECHA AVAKESH! Auch a mindset, if we can be meritorious enough to carry it into the year, will no doubt bring us to a life of Simcha and Sheleimus, moving closer to HaKadosh Baruch Hu and ultimately the Geulah Sheleimah!

Yom Kippur: Hit Rewind

As Yom Kippur is upon us, Teshuva - our ability to return to God – becomes a timely topic. Hopefully, when we delve into the words of Chazal we will discover some beautiful insights into the profound power of Teshuva.

There is a perplexing Gemara that appears both in the tractates of Nedarim and Pesachim. The Gemara there says that there is a list of several things that were produced before the universe was created. On that list is Teshuva.

Teshuva Kadma L’Olam. Teshuva - the capacity to overcome sin and bridge the gap with Hashem – to improve, develop and grow - was created before the stage of history was set. Let’s offer a few possible understandings to this puzzling comment of the Sages.

Rav Shmuel Tal Shlit’a in his Sefer Tal Chaim explains the following: Universal history is compared to river that flows with its dynamic changes in current and its twists and its turns. If the timeline of reality is compared to a river, then Teshuva - which is created before all of that, exists within the ‘source’ of that river. Any rock that is placed in the source of a river will cause whirls and currents that impact the river’s entire passage. So too, Teshuva’s influences permeates the course of history. Thus a person who engages in Teshuva harmonizes with that flow.

How do we see Teshuva’s influence seep into the very make-up of the world? At nearly every stage of creation we see either in explicit verses, or in the words of Chazal that Hashem carried out a certain creative act, and then decided that it wasn’t good enough. A few examples: The Midrash in Bereishis says that Hashem was “Boreh Olamos U’Machrivam”, He created a series of universes and destroyed them saying, ‘These are not pleasing to Me.’ until He created our universe world and let it remain by saying, ‘This one is pleasing to Me.’

What, God couldn’t get it right the first time?

Another Midrash. “B’Tchila Ala B’Machshava B’Midas HaDin”, HaKadosh Baruch Hu originally designed the world to run with strict, unforgiving principles – but He saw that the world could not be upheld under such standards. So what did He do? “Shiteif Ima Midas HaRachamim” He added Principles of Mercy to the mix.

Are we saying that God didn’t foresee the outcomes of His own decisions? He needed a change of plans?

When God created light the Passuk tells us that He dived between the light and the dark to make the concepts of night and day. Rashi tells us there that God hid away the original light because He saw that the wicked would abuse it.

Why create it and then hide it? Just start with it in its proper place!

There are more examples, but the theme is clear: Hashem intentionally created the world with lacks and imperfections in order to encode into the very fabric of reality a yearning for improvement.

When we do Teshuva, when we seek to improve ourselves, we synchronize our very being with the rhythm of creation.

Not only do we learn from Teshuva Kadma L’Olam that Teshuva is the propelling force of history, but we also learn something about Teshuva itself. Reb Yehoshua Skydel Shlit’a raises a beautiful point: Anything created before the world signifies that the world is meaningless without that thing.

What does this mean in relationship to Teshuva Kadma L’Olam? The answer is possibly this: Hashem created the world with the end goal in mind. And what is the end goal? BaYom HaHu Yihiyeh Hashem Echad U’Shemo Echad - the day where God’s glory will blatantly permeate all things, where the entire universe will openly be in-tune with Hashem’s Ratzon.

We see numerous sources in Chazal that certain select individuals didn’t sin in their lifetimes. We see from the fact that our Sages point out the few specials souls who did not mess up that everyone else does. We are humans, and by nature we are not perfect, therefore we make mistakes.

But now that we do make mistakes, if had no way of fixing them the world would never be able to reach the aforementioned state of flawlessness due to the piled up sins! How could the world ever reach perfection if things could only get worse?

Thus Teshuva needs to be built in as a prerequisite for creation to ever manifest positively. Teshuva Kadma L’Olam.

So now we understand that God preempted the world with Teshuva in order to direct the intrinsic shortcomings of creation towards change for the better, and let it achieve its purpose. But how does Teshuva being created before the world empower me on a practical level to overcome my personal shortcomings?

The great Maharal in his explanation on our Gemara gives the following answer. It’s a matter of simple logic that actions aren’t historically reversible. When I do something, it is done. Cause-and-Effect dictates that my deeds register on the universe in an irrevocable way.

This concept trickles down into my day-to-day. When I do something; anything really, it changes the course of events in my life. Any choice I make is the catalyst to the following set of circumstances that I will find myself in. Thus, when I; God forbid, commit a sin, my whole life moves forward with that sin as part of the background. One aspect of what Teshuva tries to accomplish is to ‘rewind’ my life, to move backwards to the original state of purity that I had before from before I did that Aveira and, as it were, start my life again from that point.

Therefore says the Maharal, every person who engages in Teshuva needs to see himself as he was before the sin was done and tap into that inner purity. ‘I felt so much close to Hashem, so much more whole before I did X.’ For in this realm of reality the sin is done, and unless you can psychologically wind back to before it was done, the association of the Aveira will continue to way you down.

For this reason we say Teshuva Kadma L’Olam - because the fresh start that I undergo has to be an entirely clean slate. And such purity exists before history, before anything in my personal history went wrong. Way back then there was a simple purity. The ability to rectify my life preceded my choice to wreck it.

How often do I find myself totally caught up in the shortcomings of my lifestyle, so absorbed in my mistakes that seemingly, there is no possible way to rise above them. “These are my friends, this is my club, this is my favorite drink, this my favorite movie – These are my Aveiros, and it’s just what I do!”

The physical reality says, ‘You’re right – this is your life, and there is no escaping it.’ Teshuva comes and says, ‘I’m one notch higher that the physical reality. Tap into my power, and anything is possible.

I’m only stuck with my mistakes inasmuch as I’m rooted in this world, but when I choose to rise above this world, when I chose to access a power that precedes the world, then I am empowered to truly be able to leave my mistakes behind and begin to grow again.

“Hashem, I’m so imperfect. I make mistakes on every level of my life. A fair assessment of my day-to-day makes me realize that I’m lacking in every area. Do I pray as well as I can? When I make Brachos, do I mean it? I really treat everyone as with the respect they deserve? I devote enough serious time to Torah study? I really go through with life with an active Emunah? Am I really I doing as well as I can? No, I’m not. But it doesn’t have to be this way. I know how good it feels to be close to you. I remember how whole I felt when I was living in sync with your Ratzon. I know that life was better when I lived with a Torah-focus. Please. I’m begging you, Aba, get me out of this. Help me rise above all of these inadequacies, empowered to overcome my weaknesses. Give me the strength to break free of my Aveiros, because their chains are so constricting. Hashem, I can’t do this by myself.

We’ve analyzed why Hashem made Teshuva first. We’ve seen how that makes it the driving force of history, and we’ve discussed how its primordial nature is the root of its power. Perhaps we can end by quoting the beautiful language of Rav Kook (Oros HaTeshuva,6:2) who encapsulates all of these ideas with sheer elegance:

“Teshuva is constantly engrained in the heart of man. Even during the moment of sin itself, the power Teshuva is contained in his spirit. And through its presence it sends forth its influence, a power only revealed when he comes to call out for Teshuva. In the very depth of reality, in the vivacity of space and time – Teshuva is rooted for it was created before the world. Even before the sin, the ability to overcome has already been prepared. Therefore nothing in this world is guaranteed like Teshuva is, and in the end all things will come under its influence and will be perfected through it, to come close, once again, to the will of the Creator.”

May we all experience the holiest Yom Kippur ever.