Rosh HaShanah/Nitzavim: Do or Die

The following is based in part on concepts from Rav Dessler, Rav Nebenzal and the Stutchiner Rebbe. Feel free to print this out and read it over Shabbos Kodesh – just please not during Tefilos!

As we have been taught, there is a famous concept called ‘HaKriya Me’oreres Es HaZman’ – the concepts that flow from the weekly Parsha are always interfacing with and relating to the events on the Jewish calendar. ‘The Scripture is inspiring the Season.’ This being said, we need to search for how it is that Parshas Nitzavim is preparing us for the awe-inspiring day of Rosh HaShanah which arrives in all of its glory this upcoming week.

We need not look very far. Chazal revealed to us that the powerful content of this week’s Parsha was delivered by Moshe Rabeinu on Rosh HaShanah. Let’s examine some of this relationship.

The Passuk says, “Re’eh; Nasati Lifanecha HaYom Es HaChayim V’Es HaTov V’Es HaMaved V’Es HaRa.” ‘See – I a have placed before you today the life and the good and the death and the evil.’ This famous exhortation culminates with the even more famed punchline: “U’Bachartem BaChayim” – ‘And you will choose life.’ We would typically assume that the following ultimatum has been laid down. On the one hand there is good and life, on the other side lays evil and death: You know what to do.

While this level of understanding is undoubtedly true, perhaps we can suggest a slightly shifted perspective on “Re’eh; Nasati Lifanecha HaYom Es HaChayim V’Es HaTov V’Es HaMaved V’Es HaRa.” And in order to this we need to travel back to Gan Eden.

Hashem commanded Adam HaRishon to eat of all the trees but to refrain from the Eitz HaDa’as Tov V’Ra. Chazal explain that these were Adam HaRishon’s only two Mitzvos: Don’t eat from this tree. Do eat from all of the others. While it is true that each Tree in Garden served a unique role, the Tree that diametrically opposed the Eitz HaDa’as Tov V’Ra was the Eitz HaChayim – The Tree of Life. We know this to be true because the verses describe both of them as being centrally located in the middle of the Garden surrounded by all the others.

Okay, so God said not to eat from the Eitz HaDa’as Tov Ra. But we need to ask ourselves an important question: What’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil? Wouldn’t it be great if we always knew the difference between right and wrong? Adaraba! Let’s say just the opposite! It should have been a Mitzvah to eat from the Eitz HaDa’as! The existential clarity that Adam HaRishon should have attained would logically be encouraged – not turned into a history-shattering offense! And yet, it was. So what happened?

These two trees, the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge, each offered a possible shift in Adam HaRishon’s grasp of reality, and more importantly, Adam HaRishon’s relationship to Ratzon Hashem (the Divine Will).

The Eitz HaDa’as would turn right and wrong into theoretical concepts of Good and Evil; concepts which are up to debate. The Eitz HaDa’as Tov V’Ra gives a person the ability to ascertain and determine what is Good and what is Evil. Once this becomes an option, once Ratzon Hashem become a philosophical conversation that remains outside of a person, the possibility for biases to come and cloud judgment becomes a reality. Two people can look at the same situation and one will see good while the other will see evil. This in of itself is the most massive desecration of God’s name that is possible. God is God. His desires should not be up for debate. But once Adam HaRishon has his worldview altered by the Eitz HaDa’as Tov V’Ra this became the reality. ‘A sin can be Ra, it can be bad - but give me a break on this one – it’s convenient.’

If the Eitz HaD’as turns Ratzon Hashem into matters of good and evil, then the Eitz HaChayim would have brought Adam HaRishon to a place where all spirituality would be seen as a matter of life and death. Just as a person cannot hold his breath until he passes out, so to sin would be seen as a non-option. Just as one is incapable of voluntarily stopping his heart from pumping; so too separation from the Divine would have been seen as an impossibility.

Adam HaRishon lowered the bar dramatically. How do we perceive what is right versus what is wrong? How do we relate to what is true versus what is false? This is what was up for grabs when Adam HaRishon was presented with the two Trees. Every bias, every skewed judgment, every single philosophical error comes from this history-shifting moment.

Rectification would logically require bringing the global consciousness to the level of Life and Death as opposed to that of Good and Evil. And this was the goal of receiving the Torah at Sinai. Let’s explain.

Once Adam HaRishon was kicked out of Gan Eden he realized what we just mentioned. He understood that connecting to the Tree of Life would fix his damaged perception that resulted from the Tree of Knowledge. He saw what the verse calls the Derech Eitz HaChayim – the way back to the Tree of Life. But God said, ‘Not so fast.’ And he blocked off that path with Angels armed with fiery swords.

Reb Tzadok HaKohen teaches us that the most natural and intrinsic understanding of any given word is based on its first expression in the Torah. Derech Eitz HaChayim is the first appearance of the word Derech - Path. This teaches us that a true Path is one that returns us to the Eitz HaChayim.

When the Jews were on their way to Har Sinai they were attacked by Amalek. The Passuk describes this as, “Asher Karcha BaDerech” – They came upon you on the Derech – on the way. Now we understand the tremendous depth: the path to Har Sinai was itself the Derech Eitz HaChayim! If the way to the Har Sinai was the Derech, then how do I know that the Torah is Eitz HaChayim? Well, how often do we sing the sweet melody as the Torah returns to the Aron Kodesh… Eitz Chayim Hi LaMachazikim Ba… It is a Tree of Life for those who grab hold of it*. The National Pressence at Sinai was an opportunity to culminate the journey of the Derech Eitz HaChayim. We could have fixed it all, but because of the Golden Calf we didn’t.

But there is no need to despair – we can still get the job done. Let’s figure out how.

Rosh HaShanah is the day of Malchus. On Rosh HaShanah we declare that Hashem Hu HaMelech – He’s the King. What are we really accomplishing with this declaration?

The sin of the Eitz HaDa’as occurred on Rosh HaShanah. Therefore, on this day, more than any other we are coming to fix that problem at its source. We know that Jewish law dictates that when it comes to king flesh and blood, every decree carries with it the death penalty. Every statute is a matter of life and death. When we see the king right before our eyes there is no room for discussion. Not adhering is not an option. Chazal tell us that our fear of the King in Heaven should be as real as our fear of a king who walks the earth. Thus, on Rosh HaShanah, when re-enforce that He is the King, things switch from the Eitz HaDa’as perspective and move to the Eitz HaChayim outlook – it’s no longer up for discussion. Ratzon Hashem is do or die.

Perhaps we can suggest that this is what Moshe Rabeinu is saying to the Jews: “Re’eh; Nasati Lifanecha HaYom Es HaChayim V’Es HaTov V’Es HaMaved V’Es HaRa.” ‘See – I a have placed before you today the life and the good and the death and the evil.’ Until now we saw it as Good and Life verses Evil and Death. But maybe it could be that Moshe is preparing Am Yisrael for the choice that needs to be made on Rosh HaShanah. Do you see the world as Tov and Ra, or do you see it as Chayim and Maves?

Re’eh; Nasati Lifanecha HaYom Es HaChayim V’Es HaTov – The Life and the Good. What does this mean? When a Mitzvah comes my way how do I look at it? Is it something good to do? Is it an optional bonus? Or is it Chayim - the air that I need to live.

V’Es HaMaved V’Es HaRa. And when a spiritual-pitfall present itself, what is my attitude? Is it bad? Well, bad can be overpowered by convenience or lust. But what if it’s deadly poison?

When the King makes the decree then the choice it obvious. It’s either deadly poison or breathing fresh, invigorating air. Rosh HaShanah is about reminding ourselves about the King. That realization pulls us back onto the Derech Eitz HaChayim.

How sweet it is, how enlightened is a life that is totally suffused and immersed with Ratzon Hashem. How lofty is the person who knows that every Mitzvah is Mamesh an elixir. How blessed is he in feeling that his relationship with HaKadosh Baruch Hu is as real and crucial to him as the blood that pumps from his heart.

Gevalt. Rosh HaShanah offers me the opportunity to get on the Derech Eitz HaChayim. When I pound home the message that Ki Anu Avdecha V’Atah Adoneinu I begin to align the universe. When I sing with my whole heart and soul Ki Anu Amecha V’Atah Malkeinu – you’re the King. Sometimes I forget, but not now. Now I see as clearly as the sun shines bright that Hashem Hu HaMelech. And with that dazzlingly vivid perception I go back into Gan Eden and I start to make things right again.

HaKadosh Baruch Hu should give us a Bracha to access the immense energies and opportunities that are presenting themselves in this exalted moment in time. If we can then there is no doubt that we will live lives of Simcha and Shleimus – lives where we are truly living – moving closer to HaKadosh Baruch Hu and ultimately the Geulah Sheleimah!

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* For more on how Har Sinai was supposed to shift our perspective to the way we are understanding the Eitz HaChayim, see the content that we learned for Parshas Shoftim of this year.

Shoftim/Elul - Staying Calm when Life isn't

The following has been adapted from the Sefer Ohr G’Deliyahu and Rav Kook in Ein Aya. Feel free to print this out and read it over Shabbos Kodesh just please not during Tefilos!

As we have been taught, there is a famous concept called ‘HaKriya Me’oreres Es HaZman’ – the concepts that flow from the weekly Parsha are always interfacing with and relating to the events on the Jewish calendar. ‘The Scripture is inspiring the Season.’ As Parshas Shoftim is the first Torah Portion read after Rosh Chodesh Elul (the first day of the month) we must keep our eyes open for the theme that connects them.

The beginning of this week’s Parsha deals with the concepts of Jewish law-enforcement. Shoftim V’Shotrim Titen L’cha B’chol She’arecha – Place for yourselves Judges and officers at all of your gates.

We know that the Torah is Divine and therefore it is exact. Each letter is filled with godliness, and because of this each one needs to be analyzed with intense scrutiny. There is no fluff, no need for repeats or padding. If this is true then what does the Torah HaKedosha specifying in its split of Shoftim and Shotrim – Judges and Officers? What differing roles do they play?

Rashi on the verse gives us the answer. Shoftim, the Judges, are there to make decisions. They discover the truth in Halachically-sticky situations. Hopefully those involved in the cases will adhere to their rulings. It’s when the constituents don’t listen that the need for Shotrim, Officers, arises. These Officers are really enforcers. When a Jew chooses not to listen to the Torah and its rules the Shotrim step in to forcibly persuade them back into doing the right thing.

That’s very nice. But the Torah was given to be relevant and applicable in every person in every culture in every generation. So what do I learn about my life when I learn about ancient law-enforcement?

The Sh’lah HaKadosh explains that the concepts in this verse could not be more relevant. Shoftim V’Shotrim Titen L’cha B’chol She’arecha – Judges and Enforcers shall you place in all of your gates. These gates are the human senses. How do I know this to be true? Well, what is a gate of a city? The city gates are the place where products, culture, information and everything else comes in and out of the city. The gate of the city is the place where the city interacts with the rest of the world. Based on this my eyes are gates. My nose, ears, mouth skin – they are all gates. Information comes in and out through there. Taste, sight, sound and the like are all tantamount to that which passes through the entry to a city.

Shoftim V’Shotrim Titen L’cha B’chol She’arecha is telling us that just as city gates need Judges and Officers, so too the ‘gates’ of the human experience, my relationship to the world around me need Judges and Officers just the same.

In my personal life, my intellectual faculties serve as my Judges. I use logic and reasoning to determine right from wrong; what to do and what to refrain from. Under ideal circumstances I can succeed in Avodas Hashem simply by making and intellectual decision to do so.

But sometimes the situations I find myself in deprive me of my normative logical properties. Sometimes I’m simply not ‘feeling it’. I’m burnt out. I’m having a bad day. My brain is already turned off. How am I supposed to accomplish in Avodas Hashem now? In these situations, how do I overcome the tests that HaKadosh Baruch Hu throws my way? The answer is Shotrim - Officers. We force ourselves. Hashem has commanded us not only to serve him with logic, but also to have a back up, a storehouse of energy that we can use to pull through when we are simply overwhelmed by exterior or internal circumstances.

But from where do the Jewish People derive this ‘auto-pilot’-like strength? If we can pinpoint the moment where Hashem gave us that inner wellspring of inspiration then when an immensely difficult situation attempts to overpower us we can draw vigor from there and emerge victorious even in the most difficult situations.

At Ma’amad Har Sinai, the Jews accepted the Torah with full hearts and open arms. They lovingly declared Na’aseh V’Nishma – We will do and we will listen! We are totally yours! We want this and we want You.

But Chazal reveal to us that the story didn’t end there. Right after the dramatic moments of Na’aseh V’Nishma, God lifted Mount Sinai off of the ground, held it over the heads – Har K’Gigis - of the Jewish people and laid down an ultimatum: ‘If you accept the Torah, great. If not, I’ll bury you right here.’ What’s going on here?

Rav Dessler taught us that free will doesn’t always extend to every option that I am offered. I only have free will when the options are reasonably close to one another. For example: ‘Chocolate or Vanilla’ is a choice. ‘Chocolate or Cyanide’ is not. If a father were to tell his son ‘Go to school or I’ll break your nose!’ it wouldn’t be much of a choice. In fact, by giving him these two options the son’s free will has actually been taken away! He’s being forced to go to school. Based on this, when HaKadosh Baruch Hu said ‘If you accept the Torah, great. If not, I’ll bury you right here’ He wasn’t giving us a choice, He was really removing our ability to choose. But why?

The answer begins with an important spiritual understanding of the human psyche. The fact that I am alive expresses itself in the universe on two levels: There is the exterior stage of my personality that is revealed by the choices that I make. My reactions, the clothing that I wear, my mannerisms are all reflections of my choices. This is me as I manifest in Choice. But then there is a level that is yet deeper: The very fact that I am alive. The fact that I exist takes on an expression of its own. I take up a space in the universe. My soul is unique. This is me as I manifest as a living being.

The fact that we accepted the Torah on the level of Na’aseh V’Nishma is very good. We made a choice. We decided that we wanted to be on the side of Avodas Hashem. While that’s nice, it’s still only the exterior level of my being. When God threatens my life over the Torah’s acceptance I receive the Torah not on the level of choice but rather on the level of being. The very fact that I exist was put on the line in the name of Kabalas HaTorah. And the fact that I accepted it under such circumstances means that it is no longer just tied to how I choose to live, rather it is a part of my life intrinsically.

This is Shoftim and Shotrim. The Shofeit – the Judge – he makes decisions and if all goes well he is listened to. This is the level of Na’aseh V’Nishma. It’s the beautiful feeling of lovingly serving God because I want to. But there is the even deeper level of the Shoteir – the Enforcer. This is the level of Har K’Gigis. The Torah is not just something that I choose to incorporate into my life – it is my life itself. It as intrinsic to my being as the fact that I am alive. And just like I can’t force myself to stop breathing, so too with the proper awareness I’ll always manage to pull myself back to the Torah.

We know that through the sin of the Golden Calf we lost that which we accomplished when we stood at Sinai the first time. But Chazal explain that it is on Rosh Chodesh Elul that Moshe Rabeinu ascended Mount Sinai for the second time to receive the second set of Tablets. The depth of this is that Rosh Chodesh Elul marks the beginning of our journey back to that original level.

As we begin the month of Elul, we say the chapter of Tehilim entitled L’David Hashem Ori V’Yishi – David HaMelech declares that God is his Light and Salvation. In this chapter is the famous verse: Shivti B’Veis Hashem Kol Yimei Chayai, LaChazos B’Noam Hashem U’L’Vaker B’Heichalo! – Let me sit in the House of Hashem all the days of my life, to perceive the Sweetness of Hashem and visit in His Chambers!

What is David HaMelech saying here? Let me sit in Hashem’s house all the days of my life. He wants to be there all the time. But then he says, ‘To perceive the Sweetness of Hashem and visit in His Chambers.’ Wait – does he want the equilibrium and continuity of being there all the time or does he want the exhilarating charm of the occasional visit? He seems to be implying both!

The answer is both. Of course David HaMelech wants to feel the rush that comes with embracing God. He years to have that feeling all the time. But he knows that he won’t. And even so he wants to cleave to God with all of his might even when it’s not so easy. Shivti B’Veis Hashem Kol Yimei Chayai – Let me be there no matter what. Let me realize that the my relationship to you is as constant as my heartbeat. Bless me with the level of Shoteir. LaChazos B’Noam Hashem U’L’Vaker B’eihalo – but on that platform indulge me in loving every second of it. Let it sweet. Let is be like Na’aseh V’Nishma. I don’t just want it to be right, I want it to feel right as well.

There are times when Avodas Hashem feels amazing. There are times where I truly love it. But there are times where I need to remember that I need to push through and carry on because this is who I am. My relationship with Hashem is more ‘Me’ then my choices of clothing or friends. It’s more true to who I am then the music I listen to or the books that I read. In the same way that blood pumps through my veins and air flows from my lungs I am connected to Hashem. The more we remember that the easier it becomes to live by.

As Parshas Shoftim and Chodesh Elul meet, may HaKadosh Baruch Hu bless us with both levels needed to fully relate to Him. He should infuse us with the inner strength to always pull through and he should bless us with the delight of enjoying every moment of Avodas Hashem. If we can bring ourselves to live with this consciousness there is no doubt that we live live lives full of Simcha and Shleimus moving closer to the Creator and ultimately the Geulah Sheleimah!

Pesach: Frum From Birth? Baal Teshuva? Convert? All of the Above?

As we know, the Seder night is directed by the Hagadah. The Hagadah is a series of texts, arranged by an unknown compiler, and accepted by Am Yisrael as the ‘tourguide’ in our fulfillment of the commandment as obligated by the Torah HaKedosha to tell over the story of the Jewish People’s exodus from their slavery in Mitzrayim, as the Passuk says, “ViHigadita LiBincha BaYom HaHu” – ‘And on that day (meaning the night of the Seder) you shall tell it to your sons.’ The word Hagada comes from the word in this verse, “ViHigadita.” We fulfill this Mitzvah in the section of the Hagadah called Magid - which means ‘Telling” – from the same root.

This is an important introductory point. On these nights of Pesach when we speak about Yetzias Mitzrayim we are performing a full-fledged Mitzvah from the Torah HaKedosha. And therefore we would expect that this Mitzvah operates like all others.

One important facet that applies to virtually all Mitzvos is that we recite a Bracha, a blessing on them. For example, when we blow Shofar, shake the Lulav or put on our Tefilin, we say a Bracha. The common denominator between all of these blessings is that they are recited before the Mitzvah is performed. This is called Over Le’Asiyasan - ‘Preceding the Deed.’ We make the Bracha and only then do we do the Mitzvah.

If what we said is true, that V’Higadita LiBincha, the telling of the Exodus’ story, is a Mitzvah like any other, then it would make sense that it would have a Bracha attached to it. And it does.

The problem is thatMagid’s Brahca - which is a lengthy and dramatic one – appears only after we have completed the Mitzvah, thereby violating the previously stated rule of Over Le’Asiyasan! So what gives? Why by all Mitzvos is the Bracha before, and here, in the case of Magid is the Bracha only recited after?

In order to answer our question we need to delve into three things. First, what is the significance of Pesach-night? What exactly are we celebrating? The second question is, that in light of whatever the first answer is, how does the Mitzvah of Magid serve as the proper vehicle of commemoration? What does Magid do that helps us remember or celebrate that which we are celebrating? And if we combine these two things with a look at another exception to Over Le’Asiyasan, then hopefully everything will come together.

Let’s explore.

The final plague, and thus the apex of what all the plagues came to accomplish was the death of the Bechoros, first-borns of Egypt. On the contrasting background of the death of the Egyptian Bechoros, God showed Bni Bichori Yisrael - ‘ My children, the Jewish People are My first-borns’. When you mess with my Bechoros, I’ll come after yours. This climactic moment of all the plagues came to display, and dramatically so, that the Jews are at the epicenter of God’s plan. God promised Abraham that he would have a nation. At this moment God showed that He was on their side.

When the Jews were leaving Mitzrayim, and HaKadosh Baruch Hu was finishing off the Egyptians by bringing the sea (which a moment before had been doing a miraculous anti-gravity split) down on them the Midrash tells us about was going on in Heaven at that time. Chazal tell us that all physical objects down in this world have a Malach, an angel, a supervising spiritual entity that presides over it in the upper spheres of existence. The Egyptians were no different, and they, as a nation had their own Malachim, as do the Jews. At the time when the waters were descending from their unnatural position and wreaking havoc on the Mitzrim, the Malachim of the Egyptians looked on in horror. They didn’t understand. Chazal tell us that the Jews were at the lowest spiritual state possible upon their exodus, and the Egyptian Angels didn’t see it fair that their earthly counterparts be slaughtered while the seemingly indistinguishable Jews walked away as free men.

It was at that moment that a certain fundamental principle was set in place. The Jewish People are the Chosen Nation. And regardless of sin, no mater what circumstance they might find themselves in, they are the Chosen People anyway. We are God’s children - Bni Bechori Yisrael. We are his emissaries in this world, and even when they are seemingly indistinguishable from Egyptians, nonetheless Mitzrim are Mitzrim, Jews are Jews, and it was time for us to get out of there. The slaves of Egpyt became Jewish People via the exodus. The promise that HaKadosh Baruch Hu made to Avraham Avinu that his children would become a great nation came into fruition with Yetziyas Mitzrayim It was upon Yetziyas Mitzrayim that the Jews, as a nation were born. This is Pesach.

Every year this happens again. Rav Dessler explains (as brought from earlier Kabalistic sources) that the cycle of the Jewish calendar, and the various holidays in it are not merely commemorations or celebrations of events that have been swallowed up by history books. We are taught that Jewish history is alive, and that when the date of any given holiday returns, so does the energy that created the original event. This is the greatness of the spiritual opportunities that are present in every Chag. We are not simply remembering, rather we are experiencing and those lucky people who tap into the holiday correctly have the unique opportunity to bring that light into their lives.

In regards to Pesach this means that every year the Jewish People are chosen again. As we return to the fifteenth night of the month of Nisan the spiritual force which separated us from the Egyptians and set the reality of Bni Bechori Yisrael - comes back, and the Jewish nation becomes re-formed. In effect, we are re-chosen all over again, every year deeper and deeper.

With this we can understand the cryptic commandment in which Chazal tell us that in every generation every person is obligated to view himself as if he himself left Egypt. Not hi ancestors. Him. Now we understand how and why. Because he who correctly taps into the energy of Pesach really does leave!

The question is how do we tap into it? The answer is through Magid. Says the Sfas Emes, our words are far more powerful than we think. When we speak about the exodus, with our words we create a reality infested with the energy of the exodus. The more we speak about Yetzias Mitzrayim the more we enter into a world of redemption. We become a part of the story. We are painting a picture with our words. We are bringing ourselves literally (albeit not physically) into those very moments when the Jewish people were isolated as the chosen nation. When we speak about the plague of Frogs – it happens all over again. So too with every plague. And when we talk about leaving Egypt, on the spiritual level we really are. And this way, by the end of the Seder we too have walked through the whole exodus and have become chosen ourselves.

Let’s put this on the side and examine another exception to the rule of Over Le’Asiyasan, and that is by a Ger, a convert. As we know a convert needs to go to the Mikveh (a type of spiritual bath – christians stole the concept of baptism from this), before his full emersion he is not a Jew, but the moment he comes out, the instant in which his head pokes out of the water, he is eternally transformed into a full-fledged Jew. The immersion in the Mikveh here requires a Bracha, but the convert makes this blessing only after he comes out of the water. Why do we not apply Over Le’Asiyasan here? The obvious answer is that it’s not Shayach, it’s relevant for a non-Jew to make a Bracha, nowhere do we see a precedent for that. So automatically the convert only has the opportunity to make the blessing once he is Jewish, and that only happens once emerges from the process, so we don’t apply Over Le’Asiyasan here.

Says the Chasam Sofer, in light of the above we can understand why we don’t make the Bracha of Magid until after we finish the process. Magid is supposed to bring us to the point where we are Jews on a whole new, deeper, more profound, more internal level than we were before the Seder started. And therefore it’s not Shayach to make a Bracha on the experience until it’s over. Because if Magid is no less dramatic than a conversion process – in which we become the Chosen People again – where we become Jews again - then of course it is the moment that we complete this process that is most ideal to make the Bracha. Magid is our yearly immersion in the Mikveh, and when we emerge we come out as Jews, but on a totally different level. This is our exodus for the year, and the more we enter into the redemptive energies present at the Seder, the deeper potential for a connection with my inner Jewish identity will be available for this year.

HaKadosh Baruch Hu should give us a Bracha that we experience Magid to the fullest. Magid is one of the pivotal moments in the year. It is no less dramatic than the determining moment for how Jewish – how connected to Hashem we will be – this year. If we can fully enter into Magid and all of the redemptive qualities that it possesses, then there is no doubt that we will live lives of Shleimus and Simcha moving closer to HaKadosh Baruch Hu and the Geulah Sheleimah!